Hope found on an old country road

It was January 1979.

I had a really bad car accident. By myself.

Alone, on my way to school, driving my cousin’s Celica. 

On an old country road, I crashed head on into a main power line pole, going approximately 45 miles an hour.

Somehow I pushed the door open, holding my injured, arm, neck, self.

Climbed up the slippery embankment on two pummeled knees.

There was smoke, steam coming up from the front of the demolished car.

And the heavy valley fog surrounded me.

A stranger pulled up.

I think he might have seen the accident. The timing's a blur.

He loaded me into his car. Rushed me to the hospital.

The car accident was self-inflicted, 

      immature driving skills, distraction (looking for the perfect radio station).

This wasn't a DUI.

Thank God I wasn't with anyone else, under any influence of anything but my struggling, frustrated-with-my-life self.   

I call it my wake-up call.

My kick in the pants from a God Who cares enough to kick.

I suffer today, still - physically from the broken bones, cervical fracture, smashed mouth, lost teeth.

I was Others

Others sat in darkness and gloom

— prisoners in cruel chains —

because they rebelled against God’s commands

and despised the counsel of the Most High.

He broke their spirits with hard labor;

they stumbled, and there was no one to help.

Before that day in January, quite a few "befores," I actually chose to live there. Chose to take up residence in the darkness and gloom and put on cruel chains, like that of an inmate, shackled.

In my craving for independence and freedom to do what I wanted, I despised Him.  

I rebelled against God, against His commands. 

“Not now God, give me some time to do my thing. I’ll be back. Don’t you worry."

That was a very long time ago. It was a previous chapter in this story of my life. But it is a very important one to tell.

As a 15 year old young girl, I made a very definitive decision. I remember the day, strange as that is to say. I remember choosing to slip into that dark cavernous place of rebellion. 

Oh it sure didn’t look ominous or dark or cavernous at the time. In fact, it was a simple Yes to the ongoing party that I honestly thought I'd been missing.

Darkness and gloom do that. To me, it looked like freedom, independence, the place with no boundaries, where no one says No. And everything is Yes!

Wanted to do it my way. Control the outcome. Independence. Strength, not (perceived) weakness.

But it is what it is.

Chains. Cruel, imprisoning chains. Dark incessant gloom.

The chapters may be different in each person’s story. At the very least the Reveal is often different.

A cloak of acceptance by others, no restraints, a way out, escape.

Yet it is veneer-like. A thin covering over reality.

While sitting in “the party” those chains, they start to entangle. The ropes quickly tighten. Some days a little quicker then others. Some moments or circumstances or decisions speed up the process of imprisonment. But it comes.

...

And then there’s this. 

... cried out to the Lord in (my self-inflicted) trouble; He saved (me) from (my) distress. He brought (me) out of Darkness and Gloom and broke (my) chains apart.

That car accident. 

The one that totaled my cousin’s car.

Totaled my body, effecting it for a lifetime.

35 years later the discomfort, the pain, reminds me

He has broken down the bronze gates and cut through the iron bars of my rebellious, immature, misguided heart. 

A promise not just for me but for all humanity.

This is for your daughter, your son, your mom, your dad.

This is for your neighbor, your husband, your grandchild.

This is for you

Then the promise

…they cried out to the Lord…he saved them…healed them…rescued them from the pit

That early Thursday morning I cried out.

I understood there was more to Me then the life I was living. He saved me

Hope met me there, on that old country road. 

Let them give thanks to the Lord 

for His faithful love and His wonderful works 

FOR ALL HUMANITY.

For He has broken down the bronze gates 

and cut through the iron bars.

Fools suffered affliction 

because of their rebellious ways and their sins.

They loathed all food and came near the gates of death.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble; 

He saved them from their distress.

He sent His word and healed them;

He rescued them from the Pit.

Let them give thanks to the Lord for His faithful love 

and His wonderful works for all humanity.

Let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving 

and announce His works with shouts of joy.

‭‭

Psalms‬ ‭107:10-22‬ ‭HCSB‬‬

http://bible.com/72/psa.107.10-22.hcsb

Calling out those lying enemy kings: Lessons learned from my friend Hezekiah

Last summer, I had one of those rare (for me) write-everything-you're-thinking moments. I was reading about ancient kings in the Bible. Often a kind of yawn-fest, but the story of King Hezekiah just jumped out at me.  I wrote and wrote and wrote. Too many distractions out there for me - too many what-ifs and should-ofs.  Here's a snippet... 
I hope you enjoy!

So often I've struggled with questioning God. 

I know I am sinful

and ... 

I know I am nothing without God. 

The point is, 

     He is God.

He has forgiven me and He decides when I need correction and guidance. 

Not some dumb enemy king. 

But for some reason, when that enemy starts nattering at me I listen. 

When I take my focus off of God’s word 

       or don’t pause throughout my week to hang out with Him 

then I get turned all around. 

I don’t know if it’s 90 degrees or 180 

    but I’m not heading the right way. 

Just like what happened to King Hezekiah, my ancient new friend, who was surrounded by other kings and their lies, we're surrounded by ideas and ideologies, doubts and fears. They are the ones who lie, deceive and destroy. Just like Hezekiah, they get my attention, way too easily, and way too often.

That I bother to give them an audience at all, astounding

That’s where I go wrong, and that’s where God gives me an out. 

And that’s when I love Hezekiah the most.

Sure, he was discouraged, had felt fear and maybe even abandonment by his God. 

But, in the end, none of that was true. *You really need to read the story... 

God sent a prophet, a very wise man. His name was Isaiah 

and he was sent to King Hezekiah to help clear his confused and fearful heart.

Thank you God for friends, counselors, mentors and pastors,

and for the great writers out there 

who help clear our cobwebs of faith. 

So often, what we feel or think is a trick in itself. 

My feelings and too much Kathy-thinking is a dangerous slippery path. 

Truth is what matters, 

and the truth for Hezekiah was that he served the “God of Israel, enthroned between the cherubim...(He) alone is God over all the kingdoms of the earth. (He) has made heaven and earth.” 

The prophet Isaiah had heard from God. 

Isaiah obeyed and went to see the King, 

assured him that God had heard the king’s prayers,

and that God, Himself, was calling out the lying kings that surrounded Hezekiah.

So here we are. I'm calling out those lying kings in your mind and heart. If you have ever found yourself in this same struggle with the nattering ideas and accusations that fill your head, stop right now. Whether it's a 180 degree turn or a mild 90 degree shift

Focus on Him. 

Spend time with Him.

Read the Bible, 

Listen to Him, 

    and The Truth.

I'd love to hear from you ... 

*You can Read here 
II Kings 18-20 (HCSB)

Invitation to a LoveFest

I read this verse (again, for-the-first-time) a couple of days ago. 

Mind - Blown 

An invitation given to Perfect Love

A LoveFest that all Love relationships are judged by.

Sheer perfection.

“…the one who loves Me will be loved by my Father. I also will love (Kathy) and will reveal Myself to (her).”   

No - my name isn’t in the original text.

Try it.

Put your name in there.

It’s personal. It’s for me. It’s for you. It’s for our today.

I have had a life-long belief that Jesus loves me. Even when I turned from Him, chose to not love Him in return, I never doubted.

But this!

This brings home so much more. The Father also loves me! I'm part of the conversation ... Again. Blows my mind!

Let’s break it down ...

   the one who loves Me

Me = Jesus the Divine, who freely came to this earth, through a messy birth canal, into a stinky dirty barn, living in all of the physical limitations, emotions, sadness, hormones, grief, loss

(Don’t worry, He never loses His sovereignty - He is God.

Another one of the mysteries of the Almighty)

We need to remember how much He gets us.

Thirst, hunger, passion, and at times, outright exhaustion.

He Gets It!

  will be loved by my Father.

my Father = the One Who created us for the simple fact that He wanted to. 

  Kathy WILL BE loved by my Father!

     It’s a Promise

     And He can’t break promises because He is God

And it keeps on going, my friend

  I (Jesus) will also love Kathy ~sigh~ and will reveal Myself to her

Myself = The Holy Spirit, the Comforter

God the Father, Jesus the Savior, revealed to me (to you)

with me

everywhere

all the time

in all circumstances because He said He would be.

Jesus lived life full, never lost sight of His purpose, the why He came to live among His creation in the first place. And when It was finished, when it was time for Him to go and prepare our Forever Home, He didn't leave us alone. 

“In a little while the world will see Me no longer, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live too. In that day you will know that I am in My Father, you are in Me, and I am in you. The one who has My commands and keeps them is the one who loves Me. And the one who loves Me will be loved by My Father. I also will love him and will reveal Myself to him.” (‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭19-21‬ HCSB)

Faith as small as the lint in my pocket

This week I watched my faith get so tiny.

It was like watching waves get smaller and smaller until there seemed to be no movement.
It's like when you can't even see the ocean, the water, the sand
Can't hear the crashing waves, or smell the salt air.

But like the ever constant ocean, too large to move or wish away
       God is there.
Maybe I take my eyes off of Him because of that bully named fear.
      Ahhh fear, he's always trying to block my path 
          but with just a whisper ... Jesus ... he's gone

Sometimes my attention was diverted by other possibilities or "hopes" or answers, turning my head from The Answer
Often I couldn't see past the tears
   Tears of what-ifs and overwhelming sorrow.

But that ocean never left. And true to it's form there was always movement. 

    faith alone ... powerless
    Faith in God ... powerful enough to move mountains of despair

Silent ripples of ocean water, dappling along the sand, it's there.
He's there!

Just have faith. How irritating is that!

I have lived (am living still) through a week, a month ... well you get the picture
I've been stripped
   stripped of my abilities,
   stripped of my knowing, my grasping what's next.
I've had time to think about Faith. How little of it I have had at times, but mostly how misguided my faith can be. The kind of faith that has left me with heart wrenching fear and out of control panic.
I'm not alone in this. I know you've been there.

Faith, real, live honest, life-changing Faith.

It never stands alone

All by itself? faith is nothing, and potentially dangerous.

Sure, it's such a pretty word. It's even a beautiful name for a cute baby girl.
But what - or who - are we putting our faith in?

I have faith. Period.
Keep the faith. Period.
Just have faith. Period.
Seriously people. You can't stop there!

Because, like I said, faith all by itself is probably just a beautiful name for a sweet little girl.

Misplaced, it is powerless to get the job done, and potentially misguiding and most often, disappointing.

It's just not sustainable on it's own.
The danger comes when we risk entrusting our lives and hearts to things and entities that have no business being in charge. Just have faith is just not enough!

True Faith is a gift. We've all been given it.
Some of us... the Faith-gift is so small it can be hidden away in our pocket, the size of a piece of lint. Others... they haven't even realized it's there's for the taking.
Then there are those who have this seemingly huge, behemoth ocean full of Faith that comes rushing out of them in waves. Soaking everyone in it's path with such thirst-quenching, cool you off in the middle of a hot-flash kind of way. 

But that's the thing about Faith. It's powerful, life-changing, hope-giving
   When it's Faith in the One, the Creator
                   Faith in the One worthy of it
                   Faith, whether lint-sized or ocean-huge, in the One
                     Who gets done what needs to be done
                              when it needs to happen!
Faith is definitely not passive. I mean, it can't just sit there as a word. It can't just be a statement without action. Yet, ironically, the action is often in doing the nothing.
         Stay with me here.
Sometimes the action is in purposely surrendering a circumstance or a situation into the hands of the One in whom you've placed your Faith-gift in.

It doesn't mean I'll know what's going to happen next.
It doesn't necessarily mean I'll even know what to do next, how to help, what it will take to fix it, or survive it. 

But I've discovered this past month, and many others before this
    I don't want to live this life without purposely putting my Faith in God.
I've tried it. It stinks. It fails.

So here it is
     no matter how shaky I feel,
     no matter how lint-small my Faith seems,

I trust you Father, to heal a mind, to protect my child, to make all of it make sense. I trust You. You do know what is best for me. You do love me and mine more than I do. I have Faith in You to guide us, to stop us, to carry us. Even when my Faith is miniscule, I give it to You. 

So no thanks ... I won't Just have faith 
       in myself or in you
       in a doctor or my family or technology or money...
Jesus ... my Faith is in You!

I give you Jesus ...

You might live in an apartment in Shanghai, or in a village in Rwanda. Maybe you live in a tropical climate, like in Malaysia, a humid, hot, very hot community on a beach in El Salvador; or it might be pouring when you look out the window in your flat in Great Britain. You may be snowed in in Finland, or without power so you went to an internet cafe in the Ukraine or Russia, and found this blog.

The remarkable thing about all of our differences is the similarities that we share.

We need.

I need.
       ... a Savior
I need.
       … forgiveness every day

I've discovered that I crave His love, and can breathe only because He loves me

I have been,
     and continue to be
restored and comforted in very dark moments of my life.

If you're reading this, then please understand, the only thing,
                the only One I want you to know about me
          is my God.
He is a God that is not to be hoarded.
He is a God who is not to be kept hidden from others, or worshiped only in the private places.
He is a Savior,
     One who forgives
     One who loves, restores and comforts.
So this blog is written with the purpose of sharing
           with you …. my friends around the world
I give you  Jesus

The Beautiful...yet abandoned Children of Romania...Part 2

Babies, mattresses, wet diapers and sorrow

See Children of Romania...Part 1

It was the early 90's and my husband and I had traveled to Romania. We showed up one morning at an orphanage in the city of Bucharest.
Sadly, Romania is infamous for its orphanages and its orphaned children
There is history there
    there was a dictator who brutalized the country
      which led to a persecuted people and a broken society
Ultimately leading to abandoned children and babies…. many babies and many orphanages

We walked in that day to a very sterile environment.
How do you prepare for this? You don't. You walk in.
No noise or beautiful chaos like you might assume any house full of children to be
     Instead, picture an orphanage straight out of a Dicken's novel
           that's more like it
And then, if it's even possible, oh so much more sad

Cribs lining the wall
Beautiful, over-worked, overwhelmed Romanian women caring for these little ones
Eerily quiet, not because there were not babies in the cribs.
No ma'am
Those cribs were full,
     but the air was empty
So little sound, void of baby chatter
Not even a healthy cry for attention
A few slight whimpers of surrender
The creaking of a crib that is moving … moving as they rock … themselves. That universal sign of mental and emotional depravity. Learned at an impossibly young age. When others have abandoned their job to care for another, the abandoned one learns to self-soothe.

Walking through this nursery, big eyes just looked out at us. Looking like little birds that were trapped, really. Not even hopeful. What child in my world doesn't assume they will be picked up, cuddled, kissed or cared for? These ones evidently couldn't even grasp it. Because then it happened. I watched my husband Norb reach out to touch one little baby boy, because isn't that what you do?
         you reach
         you touch
         you hug
Babies need that. WE need that. In order to survive.
The only problem is when humans are not touched enough.
That sweet baby boy. He cringed. He pulled away... shaking.
Slowly, after some patience and persistence, he allowed a soothing hand to rub his back. To touch his little body.
How many were in their beds, rocking back and forth? No one there to soothe so they must soothe themselves...

Along the corridor we walked, on in to the toddler area.
Cloth diapers only got changed at assigned times each day because there weren't enough diapers, or enough hands to do the changing.
Bottle time - same amount for every child no matter the size, and definitely no more.

There behind a wall of windows was a mattress-covered floor.
The pre-walking, toddling babies in just a cloth diaper, holding a bottle, gripping it in order to get the last drop. I don't remember how many were lying on those uncovered, soiled mattresses. Definitely more than a dozen... 20? I don't remember. I do remember the smell, and the sight, because when there are babies and diapers there is always soiling and mess.  When there aren't resources or money or people to do the work, the mess stays that way.

It didn't take long for Norb to open that door to the mattress room. Down on all fours he just lay there while this "litter" of little ones crawled over him -vying for his attention. Smiles on their faces. Touching his face. Being loved with a touch and a hug and smile...while he wept
Norb wept with these little ones, for these little ones.
It was beautiful,
It was terrible
It was horrendous
and it was truly a holy moment.

I'm writing this down and I'm just not sure why I'm telling you this.
It's not like we did anything about it.
There I said it.
We cried, we mourned, we wept for the abandoned and the neglected, but at that moment, we did nothing more.
I'm sitting here crying again, mourning once more. Willing that our time spent, prayers said, touch and smile impacted little hearts and little minds in some way... If I could only wish it to be so.

I'm writing this out to try and figure out what's next. To make sure I remember and then do...something.

...to be continued

The Beautiful yet abandoned Children of Romania...Part 1

Twenty years ago today (give or take a month ... or six)
    Norb, my adorably handsome man, and I went on our very first trip to Romania.
We landed, excited, but very unprepared, in the city of Bucharest, the capital.
It was spring, the weather was mild, yet the country was …. sad

It was a very sad place twenty years ago.
It was a very sad place sixteen years ago
             with some hope sprinkled in
      when we went for the second time.

But that first visit.
Our friend Angie had moved to Bucharest, Romania a few years earlier after hearing about the children of the sewers. She was to be our guide, a friend to these sweet, abandoned, soot-covered children.
What we saw in the next few days was unlike anything we could fathom
Writing about it in this blog seems trite … words won't express it, I'm afraid
        but as I write
        and then, when I post this
I pray that the reader (and I) will be moved
                        will be awakened, if need be
          and will act - in some way - for some child - somewhere

Walking the streets of Bucharest those cool spring evenings, so many years ago
       with a backpack full of sandwiches
      and our huge video camera on our shoulder
What we were about to see, and who we were about to meet, would forever change our hearts.
That huge video camera
    (way before digital, small and indiscrete)
       attracted quite a bit of attention.
The sandwiches were obviously a big hit.
We were thrilled to be there,
    not the, there's the Disneyland sign… we're here!! kind of thrilled
    not the whew!! there's one more piece of chocolate cake left!
or the
    someone else is cooking dinner tonight elation
It's more of the
      giving food to someone who was actually hungry
              (not just someone who wanted more food)
      kind of thrilled
It was the kind of elation where your hug, your smile, your attention or your sandwich actually could have made a life or death difference that day

There was a problem though.
These were kids.

The kids weren't the problem but the fact that they were (are) children…
    seriously people,
          they shouldn't be begging for a meal
    They shouldn't be without a bed
    They should never have to say no one would know if I was alive or dead

Stepping out of that van, they came...
     they came from around every corner
     running down the street, or across the railroad tracks
     climbing out of holes in the ground
filthy dirty
often shoeless
many addicted
obviously starving -- for food and for love.

What we saw - what I saw over the few days we were there,
    my words just aren't giving it due justice.
My heart - it didn't just break - it went in to shock

Our first night out, we watched as a beautiful little boy dug through the garbage can at the train station
     right beside a food vendor.
He reaches in and finds an empty ketchup bottle.
    But not so empty that he can't put it to his mouth and squeeze the last drops out.
That food vendor yells at him… swears at him in Romanian. Would have hit him if he were a couple of inches closer
Wow! That was and continues to be so confusing
         --- to my heart and my mind.
I couldn't grasp what I saw then and I can't compute it now, 20 years later

Another cool evening.
We had visited the train station, again - crossed over to the other side of an abandoned line of train tracks.
We walked around the city of Bucharest looking for Angie's "kids" - children that adored her because she came, night after night, hugging them, caring for them, feeding them
Once again our backpack full of food
      we walked down a dark, lightless street
      so dark
      so lonely
There she was - a little girl. That's all, just one little girl.
Angie bent down to say hello, asked her in Romanian what her name was,
           how old she was
                who she was with and where she had come from.

A little girl. Alone.

She couldn't have been older than seven years old. She was small enough to be five or six. It was May. It was a very cool spring evening on the streets of Bucharest. It was after midnight!
Her little dress and little shoes... they were not enough.
I don't remember her name
I don't remember her exact age
I don't remember

The whole scenario was like watching a clip from some movie set back in an era that I just couldn't relate to - some horrific story about children being left alone in some far away place. A story that was being told so that we would be shocked while being entertained.
This was not academy award stuff
This was happening in front of me.
That sweet, darling little girl was alone,
         and I regret saying that we left her - alone.

The crazy part is, in that moment, what were we to do?
We didn't live there, in Romania.
We didn't have the option of (legally) bundling her up, bringing her home with us to California.
There wasn't a girl's home in Bucharest (yet*) to bring her home to, and sad to say the orphanages weren't always the best option (overworked and overwhelmed)
It feels so lame to say this
    I'm risking here, hoping that you won't be moved to rebuke or scold.
    Or then again, go ahead
          because maybe I deserve scolding, for not being "brave enough" to take her with me.
Anyway, I took off my socks
       my long adult-sized socks.
I put them on her little feet
       under her little shoes.
I took off my flannel shirt, my very large shirt
      put it over her little dress.
I rolled up the sleeves, those long over-sized sleeves.
Angie was talking with her the whole time.
          where do you live? are you with anyone?
I have to tell you I don't even remember much about that or much that happened afterwards.
All I know is … we walked away.
   She was abandoned by her parents.
   She was abandoned by her siblings.
   She was abandoned by a broken society.
Put on a train in another part of this beautiful but very sad country
At the end of the track she got off.
She had nobody. Nobody!!!

to be continued ...


* Response to emergencies should go faster, but frustratingly, it often takes an agonizingly amount of time. It takes money, resources, property and people. Since we first visited over 20 years ago I'm thrilled to report that Angie's kids have a place to call home. Soon after we visited, Children's Relief Network opened both boys and girls homes in Romania, caring for the abandoned children of a country broken by dictatorship many decades earlier.

Angie's Kids

FREAK OUT or ... pray

peace the warrior

A few years ago I was reading a really good book, the kind of really good book that you read over and over again.
I came across a couple of paragraphs
       -- I'd read them before, in fact many befores --
but this time they stopped me in my tracks
Life-changing-words
    changed my life, or maybe it was my perception of my life and how to handle it
Let's just say it gave me options on how to work through this life that I've been gifted with

As I've made perfectly clear in my blog, I most certainly don't have it all together

     Sure my life is beautiful 

          It's even beautiful when it's not beautiful (stick with me here ...)

And  those times of  not so beautiful
 .... that's when those options kick in

Here .. let me paraphrase that "something" from that book 

Don't be anxious or freaked out about anything {at least not for too long}
   ~~~ don't leave me here, it gets better ~~~

Instead of melting down in all of those beautiful and not so beautiful moments
  try something new
Pray...
That's it ... really pray about the ugly, the scary, the unknown
And there's more
While you're at that Praying - Thank Him

        Thank God He's there for you,
        Thank God He knows you
  if all you can do is thank Him you're breathing...then
        Thank Him for breath
And that Praying ... really spell it out to God. He can handle it.
Tell Him what you need,
    tell Him what's wrong
        how screwed up it is
        how terrifying it is
        how absolutely impossible to is to understand what to do next
                 or live with what might come next
     the possibilities are freaking you out!!!
Don't over think it
   Don't over analyze it
Just give Him your order,
    Give Him your request
   ~~~ Told you it gets better ~~~
Then you know what happens next???
 ... while you're listening
   {prayer=conversation ... talking AND listening}
Peace...
{You do realize this whole praying, petitioning, thanking, begging is not usually a  five-minute Hail Mary moment - This is serious talking to God about serious stuff so slow down a bit - breathe - listen}
Peace...
Heart-soothing, blood-pressure calming
    sometimes slamming
    other times drizzling
        over your body - through your soul - Peace
This Peace - it won't make sense - it just doesn't make sense - not supposed to make sense
You won't understand this warrior
peace the warrior
   Protector of your Heart, the Guardian of your Soul
It will cover your very being, will keep your mind, your heart
Peace will shield you from despair,
   protect you from that beast called anxiety that is able to consume our very being.
Peace will guard your mind and your heart, in Jesus, the Christ

You're welcome ...




       

[insert name]

"He who created you, o [Jacob]…

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; 

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

…Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

and because I love you [Jacob],

Do not be afraid, for I am with you [Jacob]

…Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert and and streams in the wasteland…

But now listen, O [Jacob]…whom I have chosen.

This is what the Lord says - He who made you,

who formed you in the womb, and who will help you:

Do not be afraid, o [Jacob], my servant…

For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground;

I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring,

and my blessing on your descendants."

no coincidence

I don't pretend to understand why some have so much, while others have so little. Why I can go to a doctor when I'm sick, why my child has access to a dentist, or immunizations, or a full pantry, while some have never seen a dentist, couldn't afford a doctor if they could even travel the distance to a hospital. They don't have a pantry or even know what it is,  just food for that meal, if they're lucky.

I don't understand why some are lonely, surrounded by throngs of people in a city center somewhere in the world, but feel profoundly alone! And others are irritated because they wish their family wouldn't call so much, or drop by unannounced (sounds pitiful doesn't it?).

Our countries may not be the same.
Our cultures may be vastly different.
You may have activated the translate button because we don't speak or write the same language.
Our circumstances might be polar opposite
     As opposite as Finland is to Malaysia
     Or Russia is to California

But, here we are
No coincidence
The same Creator
The same hollowness of heart that can only be filled with the One, Jesus
Whether that Name is as familiar to you as a warm hug
Or as foreign to you as a full pantry
Or you are not even sure how to pronounce it …

One thing I know, His name is above every other name, greater than any thing you have ever heard before or could imagine.

He is the God of the Philippines, Germany, New Zealand, Honduras.
He is right there for you in Spain, Uganda, Poland, France, Thailand

It is no coincidence that you are reading my blog.
We have all been given an opportunity of eternal life, with our Father in Heaven.

Because my God, so loved the entire world,
that He gave Himself, His Son
So that whoever believes in the Son
Will not die forever, but have eternal life.
God didn't send His Son to the world to condemn us
No
But so that we could be saved, restored, loved, forgiven!!!

The letter ...

I think I was around 9 or 10 years old

I was home from school at lunchtime (it was the 70's)

My mom was in the kitchen, I was sitting in the family room watching the Flintstones or Brady Bunch while eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Then I heard it.

It was a sound I had never heard before
   I had never been touched by anything so raw
                                                       so mournful
                                              so filled with pain

My mom
    my beautiful mother.
       She was one of two kids, twins, a boy and a girl

(I always imagined that I would have twins some day… I really had wanted that huge Brady Bunch, Waltons kind of family)

My mom's twin brother, Uncle Albert, was a tall, handsome, blonde, football player-built kind of man.

I don't have many memories of him.
But I do remember he was quiet and gentle ...and tall

My uncle was not a man who chose to stay put … he traveled, lived in many places.
He was a wanderer.
Maybe that's a symptom.
    He just wasn't physically in our lives very often.

Back to lunchtime - in the 70's - eating my pb&j

A letter.
She was told devastatingly, life-changing news through pen and paper.
No human comfort
No arms to hug her
No eyes of compassion
Just ink on parchment.

Her twin brother had committed suicide in a small hotel room in a small town…alone

Writing that down is hard.
How do you even talk about that?
Why talk about it?

Well … here I am.
Fifty years old - decades later - and it's on my mind.
Suicide … in all it's ugliness, cruelty and violence, it doesn't impact less if it's not spoken about. It impacted me. It changed my young mind and heart forever. It made me aware of a pain. I didn't understand the pain, but I knew it was there. At that moment, when my mom cried out in despair, I recognized that the world was bigger than my Brady Bunch existence.

Many people equate suicide with selfishness … and yes it is self serving in a way. But my tall, handsome, gentle, football player-built uncle was suffering with a disease of the mind.
It's called Schizophrenia.
It took me many years to put all that together.
The journey I'm on
watching my sweet family deal with a mental illness that has affected our family. Yes … not just the one diagnosed but all who love him … we're all impacted

Read  "A Beautiful Mind"

In college I did write a paper about the perceived eternal consequences of taking one's own life… my take on it was not cut and dry. My mom, in the middle of her suffocating grief, taught me the Grace of a God Who sees us, saw my uncle, sees me and mine today. I didn't understand, really, that he was not well. But it makes sense, as much sense as schizophrenia can make, now.
And intense, serious, heart touching moments speaking with my sweet boy about the struggles of his beautiful mind help bring some clarity and maybe just a touch of sense to the invisible diseases that so many suffer with.
Whether someone is consumed with dying, entertains the thought, or feels compelled to finish life on this earth. Or if they act on that driving force and commit the deed. It is suffering beyond my ability to grasp. It makes me weep, it confuses me, and it makes me profoundly grateful for Grace.

Ahhh  this is exhausting stuff.
I think I'm done for now … writing about this

when light shines in a dark place

Pornography
(just typing it makes me nauseous)
People don't always connect porn to forced labor or human trafficking
Entertainment for adults
      it's fine if it isn't hurting anyone
           … child abduction, sex slavery
       
What if those of us who haven't connected this
       …. did

What if a society,
      that is all about personal choice, individual rights,
actually Got it!

Global sex industry.
When you stop and think of what that is,
    what it really is,
it's astonishing that we’re not all just storming the gates of brothels, massage parlors and strip joints to rescue. But our over-sexed society we live in yells at us that
     maybe they’ve chosen this life style,
     it’s not hurting anyone,
     they’re adults - let them make up their own mind.

Okay, fine.
But have you never seen someone driving down the street, speeding just a little too fast
     you flash your lights at them to warn them that a radar gun is hiding around the corner
Have you ever poured yourself a glass of milk, only to discover it’s spoiled
     you tell your brother before he takes a drink
Or you don't
They’re able to make up their own mind
I'm not holding the radar gun
I'm not pouring the milk down their throat
Tough for them if they get a ticket, they should be driving slower.
Sorry it made you throw up … oops!

Ya, those are pretty harmless life events.
     Sour milk and speeding tickets… common events in our house

But, here's that pause again,
   what if
     …. that young woman who dances at the club,
     …. the young boy who goes to see the R rated-should-be-NC17-movie with his friends
     …. the seedy massage parlor in the strip mall filled with people who just wanted a job,
                never imagined this would be their life
  what if we stepped up.
There's risk, of course there's risk
          it’s my life, get out of my business, leave me alone, what’s your problem?

But if we don’t do something,
   it’s like we’re buying the porn magazine ourselves,
   going to the strip club with our mates - girl's night out,
   getting a really inexpensive massage,
     hiring slave labor
         hiring a little girl…

It’s like we’re saying these people are fine, no one’s being harmed.
That’s a lie!

I heard a phrase yesterday “ladyboy”
 it made my face drop,
   eyes well up with tears
     haunted my mind… confused me
Actually I’m not sure I can, or want to even process what that means.
It was explained to me that this is an issue
       little boys are raised to be ladies*
       dressed as women for prostitution with men
       to be used in the sex trade.
       sexual "enjoyment."
       adult entertainment.
               It’s my choice, it’s none of your business, leave me alone!

AHHHH!!!
What am I supposed to do with this?
Now, don't forget the vulnerable that live here in North America.
I’m just now discovering who they can be
    The parentless, the abused, the abandoned.
         Ask a social worker or a foster parent or a judge in juvenile court
                 It's a huge concern ...

And then there's this ...
    sex addicts and “johns” and pedophiles.
        porn consumers, porn producers, porn actors, porn addicts
This isn’t a one-sided atrocity. This isn’t compartmentalized sin. Sin kills, it effects, it seeps in to lives and hearts. It destroys, pummels. It tricks, deceives and mocks what is created to be beautiful.
The perversion of this phrase “ladyboy” is horrendous. It perverts perversion. It says I can create you to do and be what I want to try to satisfy some thing that will only require more. Evil never satisfies. It only destroys.
The sin slope is slippery.
No one starts out at the bottom, although we are born with a sin nature
     Grace takes care of that if we accept it…
No one starts their life wanting to degrade, brutalize another human being.
But it's happening.
It's not being talked about enough.

When light shines in a dark place
When Light shines in a dark place, it dominates, eradicates the darkness
    Darkness just can not beat out Light … that's a reality!

What am I going to do now that I know this is happening?
I do know Truth, I know Love and I can share Him.
I'll ask Him to forgive me
I will write, I will warn and I will ask God to use the Light to shine through me.
I will love and I will pray …

*Some parents in Thailand and India do this for money for their families
See little-one-caught-dancing-in-galactic-genetics by Lauren Grams

If you are a victim, in any way: trapped, confused, scared, affected by this very difficult reality, please feel free to contact me at khkohler@gmail.com. 
You are very much loved!

Who Was, Who Is, Forever ...

Holy Holy Holy
   Is the Lord God Almighty
Who Was
     and Is
       and Is to come

*Either I believe it … the whole thing
 or it's all rubbish
        and I'm a fool!

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come…

Holy, holy, holy 
        is the Lord God Almighty
Who was  
     and is
        and is to come …

Over and over, and over again.
Every moment of every day
  when I'm sleeping
  while I'm driving
  when I'm watching TV or writing a blog
  while sitting at a desk
         or having dinner around the table

when I'm angry
    when I'm laughing,
while I'm crying, feeling impatient, expressing love …

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, Who was and is and is to come …

Holy, holy, holy
   is the Lord God Almighty,
      Who was, and is and is to come ….

When the world looks huge and insurmountable, my problems seem overwhelming
When I think I'm all that, my contentment and happiness the most important thing
When I'm frustrated, focusing on "what might happen"
    or consumed with the you've-gotta-be-kidding times in my life

It doesn't take me being aware to make something real. Truth doesn't need my permission or even my participation in order to be true!

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, Who was, and is and is to come …

After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. 

And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said,

    Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this. 

At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven and someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian. A rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne. 

Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders…

From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. Before the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. 

Also before the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.

In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures… 

Day and night they never stop saying:

     Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, 

     who was, and is, and is to come.

Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever.

They lay their crowns before the throne and say: 

     You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power,

     for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being…

*I believe …

(Holy, holy, holy is my Lord, God, the Almighty One, You were before. You are right now, and You will be forever… Everything I've accomplished, anything that I am - it's Yours. I give it up, over and over again. Only You are worthy to receive any glory, any honor, all power. You are the Creator of all, You will all things in to being.

Holy, holy holy ...)

This is gonna be a good year because ...

I have a grandaughter (-sigh-)

Holding that sweet little one is like a spa day 
                            beach day
                                    vacation day
                   coffee and cake day all rolled in to one. 

She is sweet, delicious, soft, fragile, and precious! 
Her little knees…
    ooohhh how I love baby’s little knees 
                             and their little “laps” 
Have you ever just looked at a little one's lap? Priceless!

When she stretches, 
               arching backwards with her hands clenched tight and her face all smooshed 
I just want to kiss her face and hold her tight and drink her up.
It’s like a vitamin for the soul, 
                 the best blood pressure medicine you could ever be prescribed. 
Better than a puppy, 
   or a kitten,
   or a walk on the beach when the sun is setting and the temperature is perfect. 
Better than a ride on a motorcycle through winding country roads. 
Better than coffee, hot and steamy and perfectly brewed with freshly roasted beans. 
Better than a huge slice of chocolate cake, home-made, butter cream frosting, most and chocolatey. 
Better than the first slice of coffee bread, warm out of the oven with butter on top. 

This is gonna be a good year!!

Thirsty

I’m so hungry ... so thirsty

This can’t be, is not enough 

                   what I can see with my eyes, 

                   hear with my ears and feel and touch. 

I need so much more, I crave what’s real. 

Like breathing in oxygen, 

    like a cold drink of water on a hot dry day,

         like the first bite of food after a long fast. 

I am not enough

What I think, what I know, what I feel I can do on my own. 

It fails, over and over again

I am not enough.

I run, collapsing, at Your feet

Here I lay, nothing left to give ... fully exposed, vulnerable, surrendered

You are everything, You are all that matters, You are in charge, in control. 

You are my Oxygen, my Water, my Bread. 

You are my Life, my Center, 

      my Everything

I lay here, not moving. 

Slowing my breath, covering my head, laying as a child, a newborn, completely vulnerable to Who You are, what You are capable of doing. Complete trust. This is where I belong, in your Presence, that Holy Place, the Holiest of all that is Holy. My mind tries to visualize, tries to imagine it ... I think I can almost grasp it, catch a glimpse of You.

Oh, to see You, the Creator,

          the Provider, the Judge, the Anointed One,

                my Father, my Lover, my Friend. 

You alone speak, and all of creation pauses, holds it’s collective breath for further instruction, 

              for the chance to hear your Voice. 

The Voice that spoke and mountains burst forth out of nothingness, 

         the One who spoke and teeming waters were formed into seas. 

The Voice who does speak, brings forth life out of a womb, 

          the One who does speak and directs the angel soldiers to fight, protect and defeat the accuser.

You alone control, judge, guide, direct, allow, give, hold, comfort, create, heal, restore, Love! 

You are Love, 

     not mushy, fleeting weak affection, 

but profound, cemented, heart-reaching, heart-changing, centering kind of Love. 

Love that surrenders everything when nothing is deserving.

Love that allows pain in order to bring wholeness. 

Love that breaks, in order to mold. 

Love that hears every voice, every heart’s cry that is in tune with it’s Creator.

I quietly, completely-broken, fully-surrendered, lay at your feet, 

       before your throne, in the midst of your majesty

I Choose to Believe

The devil is real
Hell is real
Eternity is real

Now you can choose to not believe anything I'm writing right now.  In fact there are days I can choose to not pay much attention to the facts. I'm not looking for a demon under every rock, giving credit to the devil for life's cause and effect. But it's real ... that's a fact!

You may be reading this and assume I'm crazy, that I haven't a clue what I'm talking about and decide this is the last post you're ever gonna read from this delusional woman.

That's fine, but first hear me out.

God is real
Heaven is real
Eternity is real

If you've lived on this planet for more than a day, you've experienced all of this already. You've been in the very midst of eternity. It would be very arrogant to think that what we look at in the mirror is everything ... sadly many days I do think that. It's narcissistic to believe all that happens in our world is up to us, dependent on us. It's not.

Be honest with yourself, you know it's not true.
If you've been present at the birth of a baby, or stood on a pier and watched a pod of dolphins play in the ocean you know there is more to life than just "us."
You've read about, heard about, possibly even experienced evil.
You've sensed fear, darkness, isolation, loneliness. Those are all the schemes that the devil has devised to conquer and break us down.

Eternity - the forever after, beyond what we see, smell, hear right now.
Like cataracts on our eyes. We think we see it all clearly each day, feeling happiness one moment, sadness the next. We go from euphoria to despair. We believe what we see. But like cataracts, our eyesight is fuzzy, what is real is hard to see. What you think life is supposed to look like, isn't true, isn't clear.  There is more, oh, so much more! Forever after will be like that, eye surgery to remove cataracts, laser surgery to correct our vision.
That is the hope we have, the bigger picture, what is to come. How we live today is part of that. Is integral and full of purpose. But it's foggy, hard to see. Not clear to our sin-sick vision.

So now we have two options.
Believe or not believe
I choose to believe,
I choose to realize each day,
       each disappointment, each need
       every celebration, every desire and craving is a part but not the whole
These things are not what our life is about, not the end all, not all there is

The devil is real
God is everything
Hell is real
It's not created for me or mine, but for the devil and his angels
Heaven is real
It is my focus, my forever-after, my eternity

Change

It really happened ... I'm finding it hard to believe 
(and really I shouldn't be shocked, should I?)

Lying in bed two nights ago - feeling a little
   heavy in my heart
I'm lying in bed praying for a miracle.

*** for future purposes in this blog, when I say "praying ______ " I really mean actually praying, not "wishing" "thinking" "worrying" 
cause if I'm wishing, thinking or worrying, I will let you know

Anyway, I was lying there, praying for a couple of miracles actually.....

A prayer was said, Out Loud - to the point - and extremely sincere
         with just that little bit of faith that the God whom I was praying to was listening and caring

Fast forward about 18 hours later
  sitting in a chair reading a new book (really cool new book),
     listening to some music,
        looking up and seeing one boy reading a book 
        (another really cool book),
           another one doing homework .... and it really hit me.

The miracles I had prayed for had been answered with a YES

um ... No
It wasn't the reading of a book by a boy 
   or doing the homework without any prompting by another boy
    (did we all just feel the earth shift on it's axis just a little???)

It hit me then, that when I had woken up that next morning after the 
Out Loud prayer, God had done the impossible
   He had done "my" impossible
   something I could not manipulate or control,
                     I could not coerce, convince or even threaten 
(though I've been known to try all of those endearing tactics .... 
sometimes all at once)

No ... there wasn't a newly remodeled kitchen in place of the slightly water 
    damaged one
No ... the gas tank wasn't miraculously filled with enough gasoline to 
    actually last all week

These prayers had to do with heart, and mind, and character. The really important ones... the ones that are harder to actually track, you know?

But the prayer had been specific - I had asked for specific reactions, mood shifts and even some action.

It had happened!!

Do you get it?  I kind of wish I could explain exact details of what happened 
                - I can't -

Try to imagine with me Something completely out of your will and control
Something that seems to always happen the same way,
Changed
Someone who always reacts the same way,
Changed
Someone who seems to always respond the same way
Changed!!

Not the same, not in my control, not what I expected (but yet did expect ... )

I really knew my God could do it - I really knew it.  I didn't know if I dared hope that it would happen that directly but I have gotten to a place in my thinking and heart
at least some times
"it doesn't hurt to ask."

So, just ask for tomorrow what you would never expect ...
Because what we assume is stuck, like a broken record
what we assume will happen again the next day, just like it always does

just might Change