Faith as small as the lint in my pocket

This week I watched my faith get so tiny.

It was like watching waves get smaller and smaller until there seemed to be no movement.
It's like when you can't even see the ocean, the water, the sand
Can't hear the crashing waves, or smell the salt air.

But like the ever constant ocean, too large to move or wish away
       God is there.
Maybe I take my eyes off of Him because of that bully named fear.
      Ahhh fear, he's always trying to block my path 
          but with just a whisper ... Jesus ... he's gone

Sometimes my attention was diverted by other possibilities or "hopes" or answers, turning my head from The Answer
Often I couldn't see past the tears
   Tears of what-ifs and overwhelming sorrow.

But that ocean never left. And true to it's form there was always movement. 

    faith alone ... powerless
    Faith in God ... powerful enough to move mountains of despair

Silent ripples of ocean water, dappling along the sand, it's there.
He's there!

Just have faith. How irritating is that!

I have lived (am living still) through a week, a month ... well you get the picture
I've been stripped
   stripped of my abilities,
   stripped of my knowing, my grasping what's next.
I've had time to think about Faith. How little of it I have had at times, but mostly how misguided my faith can be. The kind of faith that has left me with heart wrenching fear and out of control panic.
I'm not alone in this. I know you've been there.

Faith, real, live honest, life-changing Faith.

It never stands alone

All by itself? faith is nothing, and potentially dangerous.

Sure, it's such a pretty word. It's even a beautiful name for a cute baby girl.
But what - or who - are we putting our faith in?

I have faith. Period.
Keep the faith. Period.
Just have faith. Period.
Seriously people. You can't stop there!

Because, like I said, faith all by itself is probably just a beautiful name for a sweet little girl.

Misplaced, it is powerless to get the job done, and potentially misguiding and most often, disappointing.

It's just not sustainable on it's own.
The danger comes when we risk entrusting our lives and hearts to things and entities that have no business being in charge. Just have faith is just not enough!

True Faith is a gift. We've all been given it.
Some of us... the Faith-gift is so small it can be hidden away in our pocket, the size of a piece of lint. Others... they haven't even realized it's there's for the taking.
Then there are those who have this seemingly huge, behemoth ocean full of Faith that comes rushing out of them in waves. Soaking everyone in it's path with such thirst-quenching, cool you off in the middle of a hot-flash kind of way. 

But that's the thing about Faith. It's powerful, life-changing, hope-giving
   When it's Faith in the One, the Creator
                   Faith in the One worthy of it
                   Faith, whether lint-sized or ocean-huge, in the One
                     Who gets done what needs to be done
                              when it needs to happen!
Faith is definitely not passive. I mean, it can't just sit there as a word. It can't just be a statement without action. Yet, ironically, the action is often in doing the nothing.
         Stay with me here.
Sometimes the action is in purposely surrendering a circumstance or a situation into the hands of the One in whom you've placed your Faith-gift in.

It doesn't mean I'll know what's going to happen next.
It doesn't necessarily mean I'll even know what to do next, how to help, what it will take to fix it, or survive it. 

But I've discovered this past month, and many others before this
    I don't want to live this life without purposely putting my Faith in God.
I've tried it. It stinks. It fails.

So here it is
     no matter how shaky I feel,
     no matter how lint-small my Faith seems,

I trust you Father, to heal a mind, to protect my child, to make all of it make sense. I trust You. You do know what is best for me. You do love me and mine more than I do. I have Faith in You to guide us, to stop us, to carry us. Even when my Faith is miniscule, I give it to You. 

So no thanks ... I won't Just have faith 
       in myself or in you
       in a doctor or my family or technology or money...
Jesus ... my Faith is in You!

Change

It really happened ... I'm finding it hard to believe 
(and really I shouldn't be shocked, should I?)

Lying in bed two nights ago - feeling a little
   heavy in my heart
I'm lying in bed praying for a miracle.

*** for future purposes in this blog, when I say "praying ______ " I really mean actually praying, not "wishing" "thinking" "worrying" 
cause if I'm wishing, thinking or worrying, I will let you know

Anyway, I was lying there, praying for a couple of miracles actually.....

A prayer was said, Out Loud - to the point - and extremely sincere
         with just that little bit of faith that the God whom I was praying to was listening and caring

Fast forward about 18 hours later
  sitting in a chair reading a new book (really cool new book),
     listening to some music,
        looking up and seeing one boy reading a book 
        (another really cool book),
           another one doing homework .... and it really hit me.

The miracles I had prayed for had been answered with a YES

um ... No
It wasn't the reading of a book by a boy 
   or doing the homework without any prompting by another boy
    (did we all just feel the earth shift on it's axis just a little???)

It hit me then, that when I had woken up that next morning after the 
Out Loud prayer, God had done the impossible
   He had done "my" impossible
   something I could not manipulate or control,
                     I could not coerce, convince or even threaten 
(though I've been known to try all of those endearing tactics .... 
sometimes all at once)

No ... there wasn't a newly remodeled kitchen in place of the slightly water 
    damaged one
No ... the gas tank wasn't miraculously filled with enough gasoline to 
    actually last all week

These prayers had to do with heart, and mind, and character. The really important ones... the ones that are harder to actually track, you know?

But the prayer had been specific - I had asked for specific reactions, mood shifts and even some action.

It had happened!!

Do you get it?  I kind of wish I could explain exact details of what happened 
                - I can't -

Try to imagine with me Something completely out of your will and control
Something that seems to always happen the same way,
Changed
Someone who always reacts the same way,
Changed
Someone who seems to always respond the same way
Changed!!

Not the same, not in my control, not what I expected (but yet did expect ... )

I really knew my God could do it - I really knew it.  I didn't know if I dared hope that it would happen that directly but I have gotten to a place in my thinking and heart
at least some times
"it doesn't hurt to ask."

So, just ask for tomorrow what you would never expect ...
Because what we assume is stuck, like a broken record
what we assume will happen again the next day, just like it always does

just might Change