I got nothin'

A couple mornings ago I went for a walk
(No running for me ... Try Screaming, It Helps Sometimes)
What else was I to do on a day when my brain had seemed to stopped, my heart was in overload, my mind was numb.
Numb brain ... I just decided that's a thing.

STUFF has happened lately... hard stuff.

What to say about it .... ??
How I should react ... I got nothin'
Feelings to feel, actions to take ... crickets I tell ya'

Just knowing what to make for dinner tonight? Now we're laughing!!

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months ... years??
Haven't got a clue what to do next, what to think, how to react?
      without acting and sounding like a raving lunatic mad woman...
          There's that!

This is a season of I got nothins'  And I have to tell you, it's not cool.
I am a person that needs purpose.
I mean I need direction for absolutely everything...psyched up for the simplest of things.

That can be very good.
I become tenacious, and great follow through.
Once I have a plan then look out world, this blog will go viral!!

But when I don't know what's next,
   or why something's happening
      or what the out come might be for my kid if I don't have a plan or an answer or ....

That's when my brain throws in the scary what-ifs, the unknowns.
Those little minions of possibility, of pending doom and disaster.

These last few months I have felt less Knowing and much more "raving lunatic mad woman".
These last few years I have felt more unprepared and uncertain then I have in maybe my whole life.

I was the Queen of the IEP
  (Individual Education Plan for those who don't know...
  for those who do know, sorry for bringing that up during summer vacation)
I had so much medical knowledge (thanks WebMD) I should have been a doctor.
Mama Bear... hear me roar!!

So ... if you have any of these answers written across your forehead or tattooed on your arm feel free to share them with me. For goodness sake with the whole world! I'd love to do a Google search and find out why parenting young adults makes me feel like an idiot. I'd love to ask Siri and have her tell me "You'll be fine Kathy. You're doing just fine."
I'd like Bing to just tell me how or at least explain why?

But today... I got nothin'

There is sick, and then there is scary sick.

The first high fever in a little one - scary
The first all-night vomiting session - exhausting
A day or two of your little one being fussy, incessant crying, lethargic - unnerving.

Watching your child toe-walk, well beyond the age of “normal.” Taking them to a neurologist where they confirm your fears. Cerebral palsy. Such momma heart sadness

Observing bizarre behavior, over and over, month after month.
Clearing their throat, tapping their toe on the ground, touching their belly, rolling their neck. Tourette’s Syndrome. How over whelming.

When your teenager has found a lump on his leg… could be cancer
When the pediatrician sees a lab report and doesn’t like what he sees… it’s hepatitis C
When your little guy is diagnosed with a blood disorder… he won’t live to adulthood
When your twelve year old little girl gets sick, and just doesn’t get better…. because she has leukemia.
When your man-child has his first seizure…. and he has a mental illness

Terrifying.

Over the last few weeks, years, I have heard these stories. Reality of friends. Reality of mine.

Brave warriors - these children.
Unrelenting heroes - parents-of-the-hospital-bedside.

Another test, another needle, another blood sample or x-ray or MRI, EEG, CAT scan.
Childhood disease is unrelenting, exhausting.
There is no vacation there. There is little respite and it is very hard to find peace.

To my friends who know.
To my friends who’ve walked this. I cry with you… I remember your journey.

To those who just can’t relate at all… thank God in Heaven for that.
And pause today and ask our God of the Wounded, Diseased and Suffering to care for those around you who can relate.

Thank you for showing up,
Thank you for saying little,
Thank you for not trying to fix it,
Thank you for praying.
Thank you for not forgetting.