A Conversation

You are.

Right now.

Here, where I go today. There.

You’ve already laid it out.

Figured it out.

You have forgiven, even as I bleed the words …God forgive me

You know. The parts of me I don’t want to even acknowledge, You know them. You have already annihilated those actions, thoughts, words. You obliterated them when you died the most unjust and yet strangely beautiful of deaths.

You are God.

You are Holiness itself.

You are Righteousness and You are Truth.

Lies don’t change that.

Ignorance can’t affect that.

An unholy world can’t affect Who You are.

As I stand, peering in to Your most holy place, I’m amazed that You are even calling me in. Over and over. Not a God Who will smite me dead, but a God Who knows me. Fully sees me and still has only love in Your eyes. For me.
Wanting me.
Choosing me.

You are where Truth lies.

You are where my day has to begin, will carry me through.

You are my protection through the dark, dark nights of despair.

And the peaceful rest through the evenings of restoration.

When I forget You … in my selfish, wounded way

You never forget me

When I stop, pause, wait …

You are always there.

Silent - often

Being - always

You are God. You are holy. You are right. You are magnificence.

You are enough. You are my everything… and when I live like I believe that, when I trust you in everything, every other thing becomes small, put in it’s place. Peace in chaos.

That’s it - You are my Peace in my chaos.

You are Peace.

Embrace the weary, and rest

I’m realizing, after months, no possibly years of emotional exhaustion. I’m realizing that weariness is not bad.
Some days it’s heavy. A ton of hopelessness mixed it with self-condemnation.
Maybe I’m the one who's done it … Maybe I need to get a grip. Maybe I need to stop wallowing in the self-pity or living in the dark place called fear.

Yet, while it's true that what I’ve been experiencing may be intensely hard. So true. I've realized that the weariness doesn't mean it's bad. Being life-tired doesn't necessarily mean I've made a mistake or that I've failed somehow.

Recently, an evening with friends I found myself completely done. It was time. If these people, if they are who they say they are to me, to us, it was time to bare it all - emotionally and spiritually.
So the weight was shared. The grief and agony that we’re living
... it seemed so self-serving, it sounds so self-serving.
Except we know, we sincerely believe, that in order to be honest in relationships we need to risk and maybe expose a bit. So those dear friends got more than a glimpse, I’m afraid. They saw and heard some raw emotion, and in turn a more full picture of our lives, our perspective, the reality we are in. And in turn they shared our pain.

I recognize that only God truly understands each individual.
Only He understands Me.
Hey... I don’t get me.
But I am determined to say to hell with walls building up around my heart
Walls that spell out helplessness.
Helplessness that's attempting to strangle Hope, which in turn sabotages my future.

Oh those heart walls - they’re two-sided.
On the inside they scream I’m done!
On the outside they arrogantly say
I’m doing just fine, thanks
or
I don’t care about you anymore
and yet, the reality of this seeming apathy is so often the exhaustion talking

The other morning, after a long walk down my path...
the Me at the beginning sure didn't look like the Me at the end.
Started out with a bounce, determination, gonna get this done.
Ended like a worn out rag doll ... all my energy was gone.
The determination was true. The reasons for getting out there hadn’t changed but I was done… for today.

That’s what the outside wall is like. What looks like a lazy jogger or an apathetic athlete is just a weary one. Done walking for today. Done the workout for right now, but willing to head out there again… soon. Maybe tomorrow, but definitely soon.

So may I say to you my weary friend ... go ahead and be tired today, or maybe a few todays.
Share with a friend.
Risk a little, risk a lot.
Embrace the weary and rest.