Thirsty

I’m so hungry ... so thirsty

This can’t be, is not enough 

                   what I can see with my eyes, 

                   hear with my ears and feel and touch. 

I need so much more, I crave what’s real. 

Like breathing in oxygen, 

    like a cold drink of water on a hot dry day,

         like the first bite of food after a long fast. 

I am not enough

What I think, what I know, what I feel I can do on my own. 

It fails, over and over again

I am not enough.

I run, collapsing, at Your feet

Here I lay, nothing left to give ... fully exposed, vulnerable, surrendered

You are everything, You are all that matters, You are in charge, in control. 

You are my Oxygen, my Water, my Bread. 

You are my Life, my Center, 

      my Everything

I lay here, not moving. 

Slowing my breath, covering my head, laying as a child, a newborn, completely vulnerable to Who You are, what You are capable of doing. Complete trust. This is where I belong, in your Presence, that Holy Place, the Holiest of all that is Holy. My mind tries to visualize, tries to imagine it ... I think I can almost grasp it, catch a glimpse of You.

Oh, to see You, the Creator,

          the Provider, the Judge, the Anointed One,

                my Father, my Lover, my Friend. 

You alone speak, and all of creation pauses, holds it’s collective breath for further instruction, 

              for the chance to hear your Voice. 

The Voice that spoke and mountains burst forth out of nothingness, 

         the One who spoke and teeming waters were formed into seas. 

The Voice who does speak, brings forth life out of a womb, 

          the One who does speak and directs the angel soldiers to fight, protect and defeat the accuser.

You alone control, judge, guide, direct, allow, give, hold, comfort, create, heal, restore, Love! 

You are Love, 

     not mushy, fleeting weak affection, 

but profound, cemented, heart-reaching, heart-changing, centering kind of Love. 

Love that surrenders everything when nothing is deserving.

Love that allows pain in order to bring wholeness. 

Love that breaks, in order to mold. 

Love that hears every voice, every heart’s cry that is in tune with it’s Creator.

I quietly, completely-broken, fully-surrendered, lay at your feet, 

       before your throne, in the midst of your majesty

I Choose to Believe

The devil is real
Hell is real
Eternity is real

Now you can choose to not believe anything I'm writing right now.  In fact there are days I can choose to not pay much attention to the facts. I'm not looking for a demon under every rock, giving credit to the devil for life's cause and effect. But it's real ... that's a fact!

You may be reading this and assume I'm crazy, that I haven't a clue what I'm talking about and decide this is the last post you're ever gonna read from this delusional woman.

That's fine, but first hear me out.

God is real
Heaven is real
Eternity is real

If you've lived on this planet for more than a day, you've experienced all of this already. You've been in the very midst of eternity. It would be very arrogant to think that what we look at in the mirror is everything ... sadly many days I do think that. It's narcissistic to believe all that happens in our world is up to us, dependent on us. It's not.

Be honest with yourself, you know it's not true.
If you've been present at the birth of a baby, or stood on a pier and watched a pod of dolphins play in the ocean you know there is more to life than just "us."
You've read about, heard about, possibly even experienced evil.
You've sensed fear, darkness, isolation, loneliness. Those are all the schemes that the devil has devised to conquer and break us down.

Eternity - the forever after, beyond what we see, smell, hear right now.
Like cataracts on our eyes. We think we see it all clearly each day, feeling happiness one moment, sadness the next. We go from euphoria to despair. We believe what we see. But like cataracts, our eyesight is fuzzy, what is real is hard to see. What you think life is supposed to look like, isn't true, isn't clear.  There is more, oh, so much more! Forever after will be like that, eye surgery to remove cataracts, laser surgery to correct our vision.
That is the hope we have, the bigger picture, what is to come. How we live today is part of that. Is integral and full of purpose. But it's foggy, hard to see. Not clear to our sin-sick vision.

So now we have two options.
Believe or not believe
I choose to believe,
I choose to realize each day,
       each disappointment, each need
       every celebration, every desire and craving is a part but not the whole
These things are not what our life is about, not the end all, not all there is

The devil is real
God is everything
Hell is real
It's not created for me or mine, but for the devil and his angels
Heaven is real
It is my focus, my forever-after, my eternity

Don't Worry ...

Isn't today enough?

Seriously ... writing a blog with that name you would think I had worrying conquered.
You might have imagined I was the woman who had huge faith, knew how to surrender it all.
You might have imagined I never googled when I was worried, but instead dropped to my knees in prayer

You might have thought that I never had any issues that keep me up at night because I had learned to give all that stuff to God every day
To tell you the truth, I usually leave the Sleepless-Worry nights to my husband.
He just does that sooo well!!

But, it has been a long couple of weeks, actually months, in Kathy Land. A lot of nights where there's not much sleep. That's mostly because I'm just not feeling well (the not feeling well has been going on for quite a few months now and it's getting very old). That not feeling well is leading to the not sleeping well, which is leading to the being awake at night, which is leading to the mind wandering, and worrying and fixating, and worrying

Ahhhh

I wish sleep would come, all night long, not just sporadically.

So while I wait for answers, while I look for wisdom
I am writing
I am writing to remind myself ... and you ... that, 

    Even though I can't make my children make perfect decisions, though they'll have some bad days, and maybe make some really bad moves,
      I can and will love them,
      I will love them enough to let them decide on their own, I will love them enough to let them maybe even fail

   Even though I can't make my body run perfectly, or feel great
   even though I can't seem to make the nausea go away and don't have answers yet
   even though I don't have tons of energy, I can't seem to think clear enough to write, or work or do much some days,
      I don't have to have it all figured out - that has to be ok for right now!

   Even though I know my days aren't always going to run perfectly,
   Even though money may not be there for what it needs to be there for
   Even though some days time runs short and patience runs thin,
      I know my Friend has promised to be with me
            through every appointment He patiently waits while I worry and fret.
            through the long, sleepless nights He has promised to never leave me, never forsake me
Imagine that, He has promised
He never, ever breaks His promises .....

So today I am writing,
not very well mind you, but I am going to write and remind myself, and anyone who needs to hear
Don't borrow any more trouble from tomorrow,
Don't borrow from what might be
Don't borrow from what's unknown

Because Today is definitely enough!

Time for a Filter Change

"Chatty Kathy"
That was my very first nick name before I even knew I had a name!
Don't laugh ...
       I was born in the 60's
       Chatty Cathy was the name of a baby doll that everyone had to have in the 60's
       and I guess I liked to babble as a baby, I would talk and talk
              lots of sound, not much sense
(I'm sure my brother is laughing right now)

Cue the year 2012
     tweeting
     pinning
     blogging
     texting
     skyping
     streaming
     watching movies, Youtube, TV (what's that?)
and then there are those infamous status posts, likes, comments, links ......  ahhh!!!**

We live in an era in which we post every thought, every regret, every thing that ticks us off,
           we are told every opinion
                          and every mood
                               of every person on this blasted planet!**

The crazy part about this is
             I do pin, text, blog and tweet
             I do watch Youtube, movies, streaming events, and TV
             (born in the 60's remember?)

And you know ... I love my friends and family, I love knowing how they're doing
     how their babies are growing, and cooing and rolling
I appreciate when people let me know they're having a tough day or they need a friend
I do love being connected, hearing others' opinions and learning from other people's perspectives
I need people
But This is not about That

I'm afraid our "filters" are broken
Filters are what keep us from blurting out what we really feel at all times, to any one, any place
And those dang filters are in serious need of replacement, or cleaning or something.

Your filter is working when you start typing (texting), and then back space, back space, back space ...
          You start again, and then delete, delete, delete ...
You know how tempting it is to just press send or enter or post?!
DON"T DO IT!!!
Let's give those delete and back space buttons more air time.

It's like everyone has become an expert ...  It's like we all got a PhD in "smartness" all of a sudden
         What is often communicated with such seeming authority is often just passion
                  We feel it in our heart, or we just know it to be true ...
        (Careful! Those hearts of ours can really deceive us)
         What we claim to be a fact might just be a clip or song that went viral today
                   and because millions pressed like it must be ok
         What is written as right and normal might just be the voice of many,
                                       many who are wrong ??
We're looking for wisdom in culture,
in politics,
in music,
in entertainment
If we saw it on the internet then it must be true?  ... Really???
             
we speak, we emote, we criticize, we judge, we babble way too much
what we perceive as wisdom and truth might be just too much coffee ...
                                                                        I mean, not enough coffee,
                                                                        sleep deprivation, pizza at midnight ...

I'm afraid it's not gonna get better out there in cyberspace

So .... let's get out the hose and clean out that filter
         or maybe just go all out and get a brand new one

Then maybe there won't be so much babbling
            there won't be so much talking and talking
            less sound, more sense **

That's all ...
      I have to go clean my filter now


 **utilized the Delete and/or Backspace button

Dreaming...

I used to dream of singing,
   not just in the rain
  or even in the shower
          ... but on a big stage,
              with a sound system that made me sound good

                             with a band,
                             with back up singers,
                             with back up dancers (j/k),

   or in a small room with an enraptured audience,                         
           on a stool with a guitar,
           at the piano, effortlessly playing
           .... singing like no one else was in that room
           .... singing for an Audience of One

I used to dream of traveling the world,
      a flight attendant, a pilot
             suitcase never quite unpacked
    traveling this vast planet, seeing the world
I would be able to speak multiple languages, fluently.
       communicate to strangers, who would soon become friends because that barrier of language would be gone

I used to dream I could play instruments,
            not just piano
                but saxophone (very groovy)
                guitar
                    no....  bass guitar (very cool)!!!!
     I would definitely be in a "chick band"

I used to dream that one day I would be a mom to dozens of kids
             rescue the children of the world who seemingly had no one to call their own
                             those who had no parents, no one to take care of them
     or I would show up at bus stations, in large cities, ready to snatch beautiful, broken young people who had run away
run from abuse or from themselves
   rescuing them from the Predator, the Bully who was waiting
I imagined being the one to find an abandoned baby, maybe left on my door step, maybe crying out in a dark alley, or stuffed in a bag, left with little more than one more breath of life yet much more love to give

Now I dream of being a writer ...
one who spends hours on my laptop creating story lines,
                                                      chapters to books,
                                               lyrics to songs,
                                         posts on a blog
        words that encourage a friend
        words that annihilate that sense of isolation that creeps at our minds saying
             "we're alone in this, nobody can relate to what I'm going through"
        words that tell stories of true life, of what has happened, what is possible
        words that give Truth
        words that offer Hope
I dream of having that time, to share what flows out of my heart and my head
         generously offered to me by my Creator
To be one of His many ways that He answers prayer, He changes hearts, He gives purpose

I haven't sung in a while, I never did conquer the bass guitar (I'm not dead yet ...)
But I have sung in the shower, in the rain, and even on that big stage,
          for my Audience of One!
I never did get my pilot's license, or serve people their drinks thousands of feet in the air
But I have traveled the world, met strangers who became friends
There are not dozens of children living in my home, I've never rescued a run away or found a baby abandoned ... but again, I'm not dead yet!

I still wish I could grab a microphone once in a while, with a bass wrapped over my shoulder, singing a song in my perfect vocal range, belting it out with the strength of a diva

But this I can do
     I can write, I will keep writing,
                                 and I will keep dreaming!

Planned Parenthood??

My family ... amazing!  

Perfect??   umm... 

     if my kids heard the word perfect they just might burst out laughing or roll their eyes or walk out of the room, shaking their head in that way that says “you’re delusional”

But I'm the mom - I know

    we are perfectly put together.

These lenses in my eyes allow me to see my kids, my family, very uniquely, perfectly formed by a perfect Creator.

My five kids 

(no we didn’t adopt again

no I didn’t get pregnant again

yes my daughter got married and now he’s ours)

 are definitely amazing!

They are God’s gift to me, to both their dad and me.

We are a perfectly formed family.

Years ago I would hear people talk about their perfectly planned family - 

        3 kids, 

        3 years apart

        star athletes, full-ride scholarships.... you get the picture.

They had it all planned out.

We can’t relate to that. Every time we tried to plan it was shifted, just a little here, a lot there.

The backward glance on my life helps me to see what I once thought as disappointments, difficult waiting times, a seemingly silent God, were actually a perfect plan in motion.

Forming our family has been an adventure, one sweet life at at time finding each other.

Just as God intended

Because 

Before the world began ... He knew us

While I was in my mother's womb, He knew me

While in their birth mothers' wombs, He knew them

While in my womb, He knew them

 He knew my sweet girl, the one who made me a mommy, 

      a woman one who has learned how to live grace and give grace like few 
      others,

 He knew my first boy, a gift of life, 

      one who was created with such purpose, definitely wanted, wired to love 
      fiercely

 He knew my second boy, a life of great worth, 
      one who is divinely appointed and chosen, who will impact his world with a story of 
      life given 
 He knew my third boy, a treasure to all who know him, 
       uniquely gifted with empathy and wisdom beyond his years 
 He knew my dear son-in-law, 
       one who is discovering a Father who has been there always,
       one who has stolen her heart and ours

amazing...

each one of them, perfect, called by name

He knew how much I would blow it as a mom 

           and yet he picked me to be their mom. 

Amazing!

He knew we, as their parents, would be asked very hard questions, a lot of “whys” at such young ages

He knew we wouldn’t always have all those answers 

           and yet he picked us to be their mom and dad. 

Amazing!!

He knew I would love them so much my heart hurt 

          but that I didn’t really understand love like He does 

          my imperfect, learning-on-the-fly, dependent on God kind of love

                                 because He is Love

and yet He planned for me to be their mom. 

Amazing!!!

He knows the answers to some very hard questions that are asked in our home. Some answers I don’t have, but I’m confident He does have.

I don’t have a clue why people are cruel

I don't know why they abandon, or others abuse, why people bully, why there is rejection

I don't know why it some times looks like He’s standing there, with arms crossed, indifferent, while life is pummeling us to the ground.

But I do know He is not indifferent
I do know that before the world was even created that He already knew me, each one of us

The truth is

He has promised to never leave me, He does not abandon

The truth is

We are given a hope and a purpose in a world that is hopeless and purposeless

The truth is
 He hears my prayers

          He answers my prayers

          He knows the story of my life before I know it

So, sometimes with faith that is so small it is hard to even see - I will choose to trust my God

I will surrender to Him my parenting abilities

           I will give Him my plans for the future

I will love my family .... my amazing, God-put-together family!!

Please Don't Misunderstand Me

Today it hit me ... I am misunderstood

And then I realized, not just me, but so many of us.

"Us" is a club, not necessarily one you ask to join, but you're not given much choice. The club is massive. I meet new members all the time. The problem with the club is it's kind of a secret, or the members treat it secretively. They really don't want to be identified in the club, yet when they find another member .... it's WOW! You don't have to fill them in on every detail. You start to talk and they just know, they relate. Whether it's chronic illness and pain, or a child who's broken and hurting. It could be marriage ripped apart by betrayal or perversion. It can be financial ruin, bankruptcy. There might be police involved, jail time, hospital stays, psych wards, chemotherapy, or addictions too numerous to state. But when they meet and recognize each other, there's a load lifted, maybe just shifted, but definitely an impact is made.

I'm talking about those of us who have faced stuff, some times so huge you can't put it into words.
Some times so huge you cry as you write about it.
Some times so huge you can't even explain it
     or often stuff it away so you don't have to deal with it.

The misunderstood part is -
     some times there are great days and great moments!
I mean awesome, hilarious, toes-in-the-sand, beautiful, coffee in your hand kind of days!  When those days happen, I find myself wanting to just enjoy it, tell someone about it. And that's good. It's healthy to land there, and recognize it. It fights off depression or a sense of fatalism and "woe is me" status. It gives eternal perspective and helps me see the big picture. It allows a day or moment to just breathe ....

But the reality of it is, the stuff is there.
Don't get me wrong, I'm in the middle of seeing miracles take place. A body and mind in the process of healing, a heart that is trying to surrender and heal. But the stuff is happening, it just keeps rolling in.

So please don't misunderstand me - or those you meet whom you know are in the club. You've met so many of us, and might be a member yourself. Don't assume everything's goin great right now for them. But check in. Let them know you're aware, that you see them.

Don't assume their child in rehab is all better
Don't assume they will never cut again
Don't assume their cancer in remission isn't back
Don't assume their marriage is healed because they went to counseling

Please don't misunderstand.

Yesterday of Yesterdays

I'm having a hard time writing a post today.
Maybe because I had a yesterday of yesterdays!!!

You know sometimes you wake up - life is good!
You go to bed at night and think .... what just happened??

Had one of those

Yesterdays like that always bleed into the next day ...

so today I woke up - late
(day off work &
still fighting that stupid, snotty cold thing)
drank some coffee
showered
went to the chiropractor
called my friend who's a therapist
met a friend for lunch and coffee
came home had chocolate cake
sat down at my computer and have since tried to write...

that's it so far

And that's ok

Sometimes, just sometimes that's all we can do.

Wake up and breathe and move and pray
oh ya - I forgot that part
I've had quite a few conversations with God throughout my whole day, while driving, interspersed with bites of chocolate cake

There won't be much more to this day I'm afraid.
my heart can't hold more
my head can't compute more
my body is saying "no more!"

Not sure what tomorrow will bring
what calls I will get or information I will learn but

isn't today enough?

Change

It really happened ... I'm finding it hard to believe 
(and really I shouldn't be shocked, should I?)

Lying in bed two nights ago - feeling a little
   heavy in my heart
I'm lying in bed praying for a miracle.

*** for future purposes in this blog, when I say "praying ______ " I really mean actually praying, not "wishing" "thinking" "worrying" 
cause if I'm wishing, thinking or worrying, I will let you know

Anyway, I was lying there, praying for a couple of miracles actually.....

A prayer was said, Out Loud - to the point - and extremely sincere
         with just that little bit of faith that the God whom I was praying to was listening and caring

Fast forward about 18 hours later
  sitting in a chair reading a new book (really cool new book),
     listening to some music,
        looking up and seeing one boy reading a book 
        (another really cool book),
           another one doing homework .... and it really hit me.

The miracles I had prayed for had been answered with a YES

um ... No
It wasn't the reading of a book by a boy 
   or doing the homework without any prompting by another boy
    (did we all just feel the earth shift on it's axis just a little???)

It hit me then, that when I had woken up that next morning after the 
Out Loud prayer, God had done the impossible
   He had done "my" impossible
   something I could not manipulate or control,
                     I could not coerce, convince or even threaten 
(though I've been known to try all of those endearing tactics .... 
sometimes all at once)

No ... there wasn't a newly remodeled kitchen in place of the slightly water 
    damaged one
No ... the gas tank wasn't miraculously filled with enough gasoline to 
    actually last all week

These prayers had to do with heart, and mind, and character. The really important ones... the ones that are harder to actually track, you know?

But the prayer had been specific - I had asked for specific reactions, mood shifts and even some action.

It had happened!!

Do you get it?  I kind of wish I could explain exact details of what happened 
                - I can't -

Try to imagine with me Something completely out of your will and control
Something that seems to always happen the same way,
Changed
Someone who always reacts the same way,
Changed
Someone who seems to always respond the same way
Changed!!

Not the same, not in my control, not what I expected (but yet did expect ... )

I really knew my God could do it - I really knew it.  I didn't know if I dared hope that it would happen that directly but I have gotten to a place in my thinking and heart
at least some times
"it doesn't hurt to ask."

So, just ask for tomorrow what you would never expect ...
Because what we assume is stuck, like a broken record
what we assume will happen again the next day, just like it always does

just might Change








       

A Beautiful Mind: the invisible

I'm saddened by disease, by illness...  and those who suffer.
I'm not talking about the common cold or a nasty, achy, snotty flu. I'm talking about someone I love having multiple seizures every day, someone else I love living with debilitating back pain, another one dear to me who has fought cancer - two times!!  Then there is the disease that affects the mind.

Oh... that one makes me pause...

The diseases of the mind are so complex,
  and so real,
  and so painful,
  and so affect everyone.
If you're living and breathing you have been impacted by this.

I guarantee, there's usually much more to any given situation 

and always much more to each person we meet 

than what we see at first glance. 

And that's the thing with mental illness, It can really be very invisible.
To the casual observer, the person may appear to have it "all together."
Yet when those symptoms flare up, when the storm starts or the disconnect begins,
   they are usually horribly misunderstood,
   horrendously bullied,
   and often feared.
The are misjudged over and over again!

So what's the answer? Do we owe it to each other to expose our pains, weaknesses, diseases or ailments? Are we supposed to walk up to someone and say
  Hi, I have cancer, sorry about the bald head
  Don't worry about me, it's just the Tourette's talking
  Sorry I didn't come to the party, I was too depressed to be around people

Yes ... and No
       
I have found that while we don't owe anyone an explanation for
   who we are,
   what we suffer with or
   how we look ...
when we do let them see into our pain, when we acknowledge the illness for what it is, we have the chance to be cared for

Then there's the No ... guarding our hearts. There is a Bully on the playground of life. He's a deceiver and He just wants to destroy. That's his game.
So whether we share on Facebook or send out a Tweet...
whether we blurt out our pain in a crowded classroom or around the office cooler,
these are potential paths leading to more pain

too often not leading to the care we crave and very much deserve.

My friend, search out those in your life who are safe.
Those who can give you that care you crave and that you very much deserve
    like a warm blanket when we have a fever,
    an arm gently placed around our shoulder when we're discouraged or
    a listening ear and a kind word that says I hear you and I believe you

Praying that the guarding hand of Wisdom will not give the Bully even one round on the playground.
Praying that we have eyes to see, to look beyond the immediate, the obvious
   that we have eyes to see the invisible, the broken and the beautiful.

Children of the Broken Heart

I don’t think I have quite understood the depths to which a heart can break.

Sure….my heart has broken many times before
And maybe your heart has not just been broken, but truly decimated...
     so many broken promises, 
     vows shattered
     betrayal ... of those you thought loved you

There are friends that don’t call anymore, just because they’re busy.

Friends that stop being friends….just because they do (what is that?)

But when your heart is broken, before you even knew, before you had a thought to call your own. Before you knew your own name or that you even were...

How is that possible?

Oh it is so possible.
I am intimately familiar with that "fracturing of the heart."
We, Norb and I, have held, listened, wept over ... 

Ahhh!!

The broken heart of a child, one who is conceived out of a “moment” in life, one who is given the chance at that life but not given the chance to share that life with the one who carried him…or her.

That’s the kind of broken heart that only God truly understands
I can't grasp it. My parent-heart can love but I can't grasp this...

In the womb, before birth, a bond is made. A trust is formed because that's just how it should be. My mama's heart screams for that to always be so ... 
"I won't ever leave you. I will protect you forever!"

Such grief.
When sickness, death, addiction, illness, or just the absolute honest inability to care. These are the many reasons. Some so selfish, some so necessary, but all so difficult. The result... a heart is broken.

I have read the following words many times before. I've read them as they pertain to me, my life, my Being Known and I have treasured them.

before there was a single word on my tongue...

when I was being made in secret...your eyes saw me

Those words ... that Truth right there ...

It knocks Betrayal and Abandonment off of it's caustic, demanding self-made pedestal. It brings Brokenness to its proverbial knees.

He sees the Before, During and After abandonment…and He chooses to never, EVER abandon!!

The broken heart is not from the God who allowed the conception

The broken heart is not caused by the God that gave that sweet little life it's first breath

He is the mender, the healer, the I-will-never-leave-you-EVER God!

Before we were a thought... we were on His mind.

A Mom and Her World

Before I throw pearls of wisdom to the world through this thing called a blog ... you need to know a few things about me.

I am a mom, who happens to adore her children
I am a woman who loves her husband ... a lot!
I am currently employed

Right there I know a few of you who may read this have already tuned me out. You can't relate at all. Maybe it's because of the loving her family thing... maybe it's the having a job thing.
That's the thing about blogs, and first impressions, and images and written words. There is so much more behind everything we see. Except one thing!  (But more on Him later)

I love my family! (you figured that out, right?)
I love laughter!
I love the ocean, the sun, the sand!
I love children!
I love dessert... and coffee!
I love my friends ... and friendship (what a great invention)!

Now ... I got your attention again, because now you're thinking "I'd like to have a coffee with her. But it's just sounding so perfect." There's that misunderstanding thing again.

I'm saddened by disease and those who suffer.
I'm saddened by abandonment.
I'm saddened by rejection and misunderstandings.

This blog seems to be very self-serving. And I guess it is. It is about me - weird. But I do have a story to tell and One who seems to want me to share His part in it.

I can't fix it all but I can share my story ... I can give some hope with my story ...

And one thing I will try not to do is to borrow any trouble from tomorrow because

Isn't today enough?