I need a do-over

Last Monday I started a seven-day fast (the beginning of a no-such-thing-as-coincidence week)
Last Tuesday I was rear-ended by a way-too-huge-pick-up-truck
    while driving home from the ... wait for it
    --chiropractor!
Last Thursday I was laid off ...
Last Friday my computer wouldn't work
    what the...

On that Tuesday I cried
On that Thursday I cried harder
On that Friday I got up and had me some "retail therapy," lots of media therapy with a couple of chick flicks thrown in - not just one mind you, but an old Doris Day/James Garner, Norb would say shoot me first, kind of movie AND Notting Hill -Thank you very much!  In the middle of the blasted day mind you.

Today it's the next Friday ...
   Slowly my body is recovering from feeling like it's been hit by a truck - pun intended
   I got my computer to work - 1st world problems
   The fast is long over ... it was good, it was right, it was necessary ... the praying that goes with the fasting hasn't even paused.

This week (should I say it) has been harder.

I've written a couple of other blog posts in the middle of this harder. But they're not the kind I can actually post right now. Maybe some day. Posting them now would make us another reality show ... no thank you.  With my body having been pummeled by a truck and my self-esteem being trounced on by a lay-off ... that's what I call a bad week. That's enough bad week right now.  Anyway, Netflix is calling me.

Jacob, whom I have chosen...

“You’re Jacob ... 

I pulled you in from all over the world, 

called you in from every dark corner of the earth, 

Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, 

serving on my side.

 I’ve picked you.

I haven't dropped you.'

Don’t panic. I’m with you. 

There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.

 I’ll give you strength.

 I’ll help you.

 I’ll hold you steady, 

keep a firm grip on you.

 Count on it: 

Everyone who had it in for you 

will end up out in the cold— 

real losers. 

Those who worked against you 

will end up empty-handed— 

nothing to show for their lives.

 When you go out looking for your old adversaries 

you won’t find them— 

Not a trace of your old enemies, 

not even a memory.

That’s right. 

Because I, your GOD,

have a firm grip on you

and I'm not letting go.

I’m telling you, 

‘Don’t panic. I’m right here to help you.’

 

Do you feel like a lowly worm, Jacob? 

Don’t be afraid.

 

Feel like a fragile insect, Israel? 

I’ll help you.

 

I, GOD, want to reassure you. 

The God who buys you back, 

The Holy of Israel. 

I’m transforming you from worm to harrow, 

from insect to iron.

As a sharp-toothed harrow 

you’ll smooth out the mountains, 

turn those tough old hills into loamy soil. 

You’ll open the rough ground to the weather, 

to the blasts of sun and wind and rain. 

But you’ll be confident and exuberant, 

expansive in The Holy of Israel!”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:8-16‬

The Beautiful...yet abandoned Children of Romania...Part 2

Babies, mattresses, wet diapers and sorrow

See Children of Romania...Part 1

It was the early 90's and my husband and I had traveled to Romania. We showed up one morning at an orphanage in the city of Bucharest.
Sadly, Romania is infamous for its orphanages and its orphaned children
There is history there
    there was a dictator who brutalized the country
      which led to a persecuted people and a broken society
Ultimately leading to abandoned children and babies…. many babies and many orphanages

We walked in that day to a very sterile environment.
How do you prepare for this? You don't. You walk in.
No noise or beautiful chaos like you might assume any house full of children to be
     Instead, picture an orphanage straight out of a Dicken's novel
           that's more like it
And then, if it's even possible, oh so much more sad

Cribs lining the wall
Beautiful, over-worked, overwhelmed Romanian women caring for these little ones
Eerily quiet, not because there were not babies in the cribs.
No ma'am
Those cribs were full,
     but the air was empty
So little sound, void of baby chatter
Not even a healthy cry for attention
A few slight whimpers of surrender
The creaking of a crib that is moving … moving as they rock … themselves. That universal sign of mental and emotional depravity. Learned at an impossibly young age. When others have abandoned their job to care for another, the abandoned one learns to self-soothe.

Walking through this nursery, big eyes just looked out at us. Looking like little birds that were trapped, really. Not even hopeful. What child in my world doesn't assume they will be picked up, cuddled, kissed or cared for? These ones evidently couldn't even grasp it. Because then it happened. I watched my husband Norb reach out to touch one little baby boy, because isn't that what you do?
         you reach
         you touch
         you hug
Babies need that. WE need that. In order to survive.
The only problem is when humans are not touched enough.
That sweet baby boy. He cringed. He pulled away... shaking.
Slowly, after some patience and persistence, he allowed a soothing hand to rub his back. To touch his little body.
How many were in their beds, rocking back and forth? No one there to soothe so they must soothe themselves...

Along the corridor we walked, on in to the toddler area.
Cloth diapers only got changed at assigned times each day because there weren't enough diapers, or enough hands to do the changing.
Bottle time - same amount for every child no matter the size, and definitely no more.

There behind a wall of windows was a mattress-covered floor.
The pre-walking, toddling babies in just a cloth diaper, holding a bottle, gripping it in order to get the last drop. I don't remember how many were lying on those uncovered, soiled mattresses. Definitely more than a dozen... 20? I don't remember. I do remember the smell, and the sight, because when there are babies and diapers there is always soiling and mess.  When there aren't resources or money or people to do the work, the mess stays that way.

It didn't take long for Norb to open that door to the mattress room. Down on all fours he just lay there while this "litter" of little ones crawled over him -vying for his attention. Smiles on their faces. Touching his face. Being loved with a touch and a hug and smile...while he wept
Norb wept with these little ones, for these little ones.
It was beautiful,
It was terrible
It was horrendous
and it was truly a holy moment.

I'm writing this down and I'm just not sure why I'm telling you this.
It's not like we did anything about it.
There I said it.
We cried, we mourned, we wept for the abandoned and the neglected, but at that moment, we did nothing more.
I'm sitting here crying again, mourning once more. Willing that our time spent, prayers said, touch and smile impacted little hearts and little minds in some way... If I could only wish it to be so.

I'm writing this out to try and figure out what's next. To make sure I remember and then do...something.

...to be continued