October 2003 was a doozy of a storm. It was the apex actually. The storm had been brewing in our lives for weeks if not months, at a time when our lives were very centered and focused on our church.
My husband, Norb was on staff.
Fourteen years working there, loving people, planning and dreaming.
Fourteen years attending one church, making and creating community.
Fourteen years investing our lives, our hearts and our relationships there.
There are so many layers to this story, but the impact it had on my life, our lives - huge.
Back in 2003, what should have been a beautiful, smooth transition from hand to hand, pastor to pastor, became an ugly battle of wills. What could have been growth, stability and possibility was shut down by a vote. One stupid vote!!
That churches are even run this way ... astounds me
So much wrong was done. And so much healing was needed.
I've chosen to skip over so many of the details.
Following that battle of sorts, our little band of six struggled. Going to church anywhere, at all, was almost impossible. But we did keep going. I have to admit that I fought it. I didn't want to go.
Oh, I loved my God... still. Craved Him more than ever before.
I found myself intensely depending on Him with every emotion. I was angry. I was hurt... so hurt. We were both hurt and disillusioned ... and I figured I'll do the God thing, just not the people thing. At that time I found myself saying, over and over, God is awesome but people suck! If it weren't for people, church would be great.
But Norb didn't want to Stop going. Oh he grieved. He craved it to be what it should be, what it could have been.
We had come as a young couple in our 20's with one little girl, and left with a family of four kids. We grew up there.
Back in 2003, what should have been a beautiful, smooth transition from hand to hand, pastor to pastor, became an ugly battle of wills. What could have been growth, stability and possibility was shut down by a vote. One stupid vote!!
That churches are even run this way ... astounds me
So much wrong was done. And so much healing was needed.
I've chosen to skip over so many of the details.
And sorry ...no names.
This post isn't about the names. It isn't even about the incidences or the why's.
It's about our life. What has shaped us and changed us and grown us.
It's about our life. What has shaped us and changed us and grown us.
Following that battle of sorts, our little band of six struggled. Going to church anywhere, at all, was almost impossible. But we did keep going. I have to admit that I fought it. I didn't want to go.
Oh, I loved my God... still. Craved Him more than ever before.
I found myself intensely depending on Him with every emotion. I was angry. I was hurt... so hurt. We were both hurt and disillusioned ... and I figured I'll do the God thing, just not the people thing. At that time I found myself saying, over and over, God is awesome but people suck! If it weren't for people, church would be great.
And therein lies the irony.
Church IS because God created it to be.
He created it to be people
expressing God in community - it can't work in isolation.
But I didn't want to go.
But Norb didn't want to Stop going. Oh he grieved. He craved it to be what it should be, what it could have been.
We found places, churches, where we could sit, unknown, and just cry through the service if we needed to.
We found churches where we were fed and we could find some healing.
We found places where God could slowly, gently help us battle the indifference and cynicism that clawed away at the doors of our hearts.
We grieved. We grieved lost community. Lost relationships. Who could we trust? Who could we believe?
So much life has happened since that October. Much more difficult things actually. Things we're going through now - I would do a million of those Octobers instead if given the opportunity. But in that time, in that season of our lives. Our hearts were broken. Truly, honestly broken. And in that broken, bleeding time, we were able to see the heart of our Father. He cared for us, continues to heal us.
We were voted off of that island. We lost friendships and some relationships were forever altered. I've lived a lot of lonely. I've walked through a lot of doubt and insecurities. And I've learned to follow Him. Jesus hated church too ... the way it sometimes looked and acted. He went to synagogue anyway because He knew how it should be - how it could be.
We were voted off of that island. We lost friendships and some relationships were forever altered. I've lived a lot of lonely. I've walked through a lot of doubt and insecurities. And I've learned to follow Him. Jesus hated church too ... the way it sometimes looked and acted. He went to synagogue anyway because He knew how it should be - how it could be.
So today, this weekend, if the thought of going to church makes you nauseous, or brings up feelings of hurt or betrayal. If thinking about other Christians makes you feel so angry, so disillusioned...
Don't give up on Church.
Don't give up on healing.
Don't give up on God because He'll never give up on you.
Then I offer my hand. I offer my heart. I hear you.
Don't give up on healing.
Don't give up on God because He'll never give up on you.
...let's be concerned about one another
in order to promote love and good works,
not staying away from our worship meetings,
as some habitually do,
but encouraging each other,
and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
Hebrews 10:24-25
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